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    Jan 21, 2011

    A Letter

    My dearest daughter,

         I wanted to sit down and explain things to you, only you aren't yet ready to hear them.  It is my hope that at some point in time, a day too soon by my count and too far away by yours, you might read this or be able to hear these thoughts from me directly. 
         I have had time recently to examine where I have been, and where I am now.  None of this developed into where I thought I would be.  More often than not, opportunity has slipped through my fingers.  It did not pass be my, nor have I been unfortunate.  I made choices, sometimes by not choosing, that have led me to this very letter. 

         I have fallen for a few in my time.  When I fell, I fell hard.  When you fall, and fall you will, no one comes close to comparing to the object of your affection.  You find beauty in the trivial, and everything you think about will relate or gravitate toward that one person.  You fantasize and plan how a mutual future could develop.  You hope they feel the same way.  You try to pick up the nerve to share these feelings. 

         In any case, I was shy and insecure.  More than once, what I felt for her, she felt for me, but neither of us were brave enough to admit it.  We were very close for a time, but in time we grew apart.  A physical distance came between us, but moreover an intangible distance is what grew.  We lost touch with each other.  Time moved on.  Reconnecting after a time, it was as if no time had passed at all.  Yet again, that time passed all too soon with nothing said.  In reconnecting with each of them now, we talk about days gone by and admit to feelings unrequited, only to discover what could have been.  We catch up on where life has taken us, and talk about our respective spouses and children. 

         I know your home life was the unfortunately common situation for our times.  I am very sorry you grew up with an understanding that was the way of things.  It was not the way I grew up; it was not my hope nor plan for you.  Perhaps that relationship was doomed from the start.  In retrospect the signs were very clear that the road ahead would be very hard to travel, all of which I ignored. 

         Please do not misunderstand me here.  I have spent my share of time wondering "what if?"  I consider what I would have done differently; what I would have said (or not), choices I would have changed, directions I would have gone.  Maybe I would be happier, but the game of "what if?" relies on fantasy since I can no more extrapolate where that path would lead than I was able to determine where the one I am on has taken me so far.  Ultimately, in playing out every scenario, I reach the same conclusion.  I couldn't have it any other way.

         You probably wonder why I tell you this.  This is not a pity party.  Life presents you with choices, and they are yours to make.  You will have to live with every one of them.  I am not saying, "learn from my mistakes."  You will learn from your own, and continue to make them until you do.  That is how life works.  I am telling you to make choices; to act on your feelings and convictions.  I am also telling you that no matter what, some of the best things in your life will come from decisions you think you might regret.  You see, I fell for you hardest of all.  I have loved you in a way I never expected I could.  In any other scenario, you would not be exactly who you are, nor who you are becoming; my daughter in who I am most proud. 


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